How to Set Boundaries as a Woman of Colour at Work
Setting boundaries is hard, but important work. This is especially crucial for Women of Colour because of the expectations to prioritize others at the expense of our own mental health and psychological safety.
Establishing boundaries for women of colour is an act of liberation. It's impossible to please everyone. And our well-being, productivity, and overall happiness relies on our ability to set limits. For us, the challenge hasn’t been around establishing what our boundaries are, but in recognizing when they have been crossed, and what to do about it.
We don’t believe in suffering in silence, so in this post, we share our tips and advice on how to set boundaries at work. We’ve had our share of challenges, and although we’re still a work in progress, these steps have helped us take power back, prioritize our mental health, and grow professionally.
Illustration by Liu Liu
Strategize and create a plan
Here’s the thing – sometimes, we don’t even recognize that boundaries are being crossed. When operating in white supremacist cultures and oppressive systems, marginalized individuals are more at risk of having their boundaries violated, as well as facing more consequences when communicating their limits.
Because of this, we might assume it’s all part of the job, and we accept things as they are. It’s important to recognize when boundaries are being crossed, so you can work towards setting healthier ones that work for you. Here are some steps that will allow you to begin putting this into practice:
Find people you can trust and be vulnerable with. These folks can help validate your feelings but also work with you to brainstorm and strategize next steps, while sharing their own experiences and insights.
Document everything. Ensure you document when your boundaries have been crossed. For every example, take note of:
The act or behaviour;
The impact on you and your work;
Your request for the future.
Put it into action. Communicate your boundaries with the right people (be strategic about this), so they can assist in holding others accountable. Make sure to keep track of the progress, and escalate if necessary.
“When operating in white supremacist cultures and oppressive systems, marginalized individuals are more at risk of having their boundaries violated, as well as facing more consequences when communicating their limits. ”
Protect your time and space
We’ve noticed that protecting our time and space has been a game-changer when it comes to setting boundaries. People will expect the moon from you, and the need to please, especially when already marginalized can be too strong of a pull.
Whether it’s unrealistic expectations for deadlines or not having the bandwidth to attend a work social, you deserve the right to have your workday not be filled with stress and anxiety and your evenings to be free of messages and emails. The key is to relieve yourself of the pressure of always having to be available. Here’s what has worked for us:
Set clear expectations around your work hours. Have a rigid start and finish time and always make sure you block out your lunch hour. This is especially important for those working globally and across time zones.
Keep your work email away from your phone. This can be hard to do, but it works wonders. Email, Slack, Skype, get rid of it all. This will reduce the urge to respond to communications outside of work hours.
Take time off. Make sure that you schedule vacation days frequently and ahead of time. Block it off in your calendar, as well as the team calendar, and set the expectation that you will be completely offline during this time.
Don’t feel obliged to answer on the spot
Work can feel very high pressure sometimes. So much that we may feel obliged to answer right away and on the spot.
But answering without thinking through our response can have serious repercussions. For starters, our response may lack quality and substance. This is especially true for instances where we’re required to offer our professional feedback. Another problem with answering on the spot is that our own needs go ignored, and instead we respond based on what we believe we have to say. In other words, we feel obliged to say ‘yes’ to things we don’t necessarily want to say yes to.
Scenario: Let’s say your manager asks you to complete something that has a very tight deadline.
Action: Instead of answering right away, you can say: “Let me have a look at my calendar, and get back to you in about 30 minutes.” Even stepping away momentarily from that conversation can be helpful in giving you time to craft the appropriate response.
Scenario: Say you have been invited to drinks after work. Your week is already too hectic, you have family commitments, or maybe, you simply don’t want to go.
Action: Buy yourself some time! Let your colleague know that you’re happy to consider their invite, but will connect back to confirm. Say: “Thank you for the invite, that sounds like fun. I’ve had a busy week, and I want to make sure I don’t overcommit. When can I confirm by?”
“The danger of responding on the spot is that we’re not always able to say what we really mean. ”
The danger of responding on the spot is that we’re not always able to say what we really mean. If that’s you, then begin developing the habit of stepping away; this reduces the pressure that comes from feeling like you have to please others and helps in maintaining your mental and emotional wellbeing.
Check out these resources to learn more about ways to set boundaries:
One of our favourite episodes from the podcast Ladies, We need to Talk by Yumi Stynes is “The Answer’s No”. As women, we are socialized to make everyone happy. In this episode, she encourages women to step up, learn to say no, and to do it unapologetically.
Neha Madhira writes about why setting boundaries is imperative to her activism. She writes about the positive effects that boundary setting has on our workspaces and personal relationships. For her, these include “more self-respect, flexibility, and the avoidance of compromising my time for other people.”
In this New York Times bestseller, Nedra Glover Tawwab, licensed therapist, presents simple and powerful ways to establish healthy boundaries in all aspects of life. Her techniques are rooted in the latest research and best practices used in cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT).
Coming up Next
As the saying goes, knowledge is power. But often, the information we receive ignores those of us on the margins where our experiences and expertise are excluded. Next month, we’ve got a list of resources and readings that will help women of colour sustain themselves and thrive in their personal and professional lives. We promise you a rich and diverse list, right in time for the holidays!